How I overcame depression and anxiety

It was a very very long journey of pain and joy for many months (maybe my whole life), but essentially I began to listen to myself:

All these were everyday questions..

I moved from a life of “shoulds” to a life of “wants”. I moved away from the things that hurted me, because I understood there was no need to hurt me to be happy.

You don’t need to feel pain to enjoy life and accomplish your dreams, and if you really have to feel pain to accomplish your dreams maybe you should question wheter is that really your dream or you want such thing to accomplish something else which is really your dream.

e.g. I always thought I had to be muscular to have a girl friend and be desirable.. so I forced myself into the gym.., however to accomplish what I wanted I didnt’t really need muscles, I just needed to love myself.

I gave up many times on the gym, because that wasn’t really what I wanted.. I just wanted a relationship..

A very important thing for me, once I began to understand myself, was to give up on programming and math; things I thought I liked for many many years..

I never felt good programming. It gives me this weird anxiety and makes me feel overall very bad. I usually thought about how I was going to live working doing such thing..and the future seemed very grey.

However, I forced myself (a should) to kept at it despite all the damage it was doing to me..

I did some research about the cause of my programming related anxiety, and I found this thing called digit ratio (2d:4d), which is the proportion between your ring and index finger’s length which expresses the amount of androgens you were exposed in the womb.

I found that high ratios were related to computer related anxieties.. and boom! I had a somewhat high digit ratio (percentile 87%).

I always felt bad programming and studying programming languages.. I just don’t know why I kept doing it.. Maybe it was because my mother is probably a narcissist and I somehow tried to accomplish what she wanted for me.

I don’t know.. it’s painful to remember these days. Feeling bad emotionally and physically was normal.. just recently I discovered how bad I usually felt.

Later I slowly began to find things I enjoyed doing or things I had a genuine interest on. But I didn’t have the courage to do them.. I didn’t want to give up on my “dreams”.

One event however made me change my whole life.

I have live with supraventricular tachycardia episodes for a very long time, specially after getting into a prestigious university.

The last time I got an episode, it was atrial fibrillation.. and it happened at the computer doing something very similar to programming.. That time I knew something was wrong with the things I was doing.. After going to the hospital to get cardioverted (is that how you say it in english?), I went outside for a walk.. I cried and remembered all the pain I had to endure forcing myself to do something I didn’t want or felt as painful..

I remember an old time friend which gave up on what he thought was his dreams.. to do something he really wanted with his heart. And then I decided to do the same.. I began to do what I trully wanted.

But this thing of being myself still feels from time to time like I’m going to be punished for it.

However in practice my life after 8 months has improved drastically.

In resumen, the important thing is that your mind could be your biggest enemy.

You can do things you think are healthy but in reality these are hurting you the most..

These are some pics since I began to fix my life:

I think it was fundamental to be in harmony with myself and not what I thought I was or needed. This might almost seems like a contradiction, but sometimes your mind is so dissasociated from your soul..

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