What Happens When We Ask Each Other For Help

By Lindsay King-Miller

Asking for help is the hardest part. It’s a cliché that just about everyone who has gone through tough times, or dealt with mental health issues, knows is only too accurate. Mental illness can be isolating, making it difficult to reach out in times of need, but an aversion to vulnerability isn’t just a symptom of an off-balance brain but an off-balance culture. We live in a society that fetishizes self-sufficiency, where the highest compliments are things like “he makes it look easy” and “I don’t know how she does it.” Maybe she’s born with it; maybe it’s caffeine and unsustainable coping mechanisms. We post #nofilter selfies, but everything we share is filtered through our reluctance to admit when we’re struggling.

I don’t mean to suggest that we’re intentionally pushing one another into isolation. People say things like “You can call me any time” or “Whatever you need, I’ll be there,” and I think most of us really mean it. I have said variations on this to a lot of people over the years. Very, very few have ever taken me up on it.

The truth is that asking for help is uncomfortable, even when we’ve been repeatedly reassured that it’s welcome. Asking for help is seen as out of the ordinary. We’re all happy to proclaim that our friends can come to us if they really need us, but it’s the definition of “really need” that presents a stumbling block. Most of us will only ask for support in a down-and-out emergency — and even then, with a sense of shame.

As a person with anxiety, I am keenly aware that I need help more often than most people, that the things I find so stressful I want to hide under my bed are in reality everyday inconveniences. I hesitate to ask for help because I’m afraid I will be judged harshly for needing it, for not being able to just “cowgirl up” or “get it done” or whatever unsympathetic aphorism is currently in vogue.

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